Sick of sick

So my aunt (my mom's younger sister) has been sick for about a year. They thought it was Hepatitis to start with, turns out it was liver cancer. They've been treating that, then as of last week, she started having seizures and it turns out it has spread to her lungs and brain. This morning, my mom calls and says, "Auntie Kyle died this morning." We talk for a few minutes, then she sees her other sister is on call waiting, so we hang up. I call my sister, pass the news on, then Momma calls me back. So my other aunt, after hearing the news from my mom, called my grandma, who lives in San Diego near Auntie Kyle. Grandma tells her that Kyle had a seizure last night and again this morning, and is still alive, but not expected to last long. Apparently, my grandpa (who lives in Seattle near my mom) was the one who told my mom the wrong news. Leave it to a man to turn "not going to last long" into "she's gone". So at least there's a little bit of time left to make phone calls and say goodbyes, hopefully.

This all happened after a day of me reading blogs and getting updates from friends and friends of friends who have children with cancer or other unknown sicknesses. My heart breaks for these parents having to watch their babies suffer and not being able to take it from them. A little boy about Tristen's age was diagnosed with Leukemia when he was 2. I knew his mom from the cloth diapering/sling world via the Web. They had a horrible fight with doctors and complications and all sorts of stuff. I had eventually lost contact and stopped keeping up a couple of years ago, when he was still struggling, but stable. So yesterday, I look their family up and discover that he passed away last May after fighting for 4 years.

I know Heavenly Father has a plan for us all. I know without a doubt that He loves each of us more than we could ever conceive of, and wants to spare us whatever He can. But for some, their plan includes the unspeakable trial of having a child go through something like this, and often times, having to let that baby go back to Heavenly Father. And so often, I wonder, why them and not me? Goodness knows I'm often not worthy of the wonderful, healthy children I have. If anyone needed a trial like that to show me just how much I have & how I take it for granted, it's me. If anyone needed to have a time where they were forced to concede control of their family's well-being into someone else's care, it's me. So why have I thus far been spared any sort of tragedy in my life, when others have had to endure so much? But then, my greatest complaint throughout my life has been, "That's not fair!" I can't count the number of times my dad told me, "Well, life's not fair." And it's not, and that just stinks.

And so all I can do is pray for these families, and thank my Heavenly Father every single day for the gift that is my family. I know I am not worthy of them, but am so grateful for whatever He sees in me to have blessed me thusly.